Life as a high handicapper
January 3, 2023
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Advice for high handicappers:
- It’s considered poor form to give yourself a 5 footer just because it’s for a double bogey.
- Don’t buy a putter if you haven’t had a chance to throw it.
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
- If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
- It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
- Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
- If you make a birdie, you must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the equilibrium of the universe.
- If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
- Never putt a gimmie. You will miss it and create a moral dilemma.
- Two practice swings are max – any more and you are a windmill.
- You are not allowed college team logos on your equipment if you are not an alumni.
- When logos are allowed… there is a two logo maximum or you will incur a two stroke penalty.
- You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
Observations of a high handicapper:
- The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share suggestions for your golf swing.
- No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
- A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck.
- It is surprisingly easy to hole a thirty-foot putt… for an 8.
- Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
- When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
- If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Rory McLlroy does, just try to lay up short of a water hazard.
- A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away will not be yours.
- If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
- A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
- A good golf partner is one who’s always worse than you are…that’s why I get so many calls to play with friends.
- If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.
- Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.